Pumpkin Pie

Random musings -

Today I decided to be the learning tool for a resident. I was so brave, especially considering that I get awfully anxious at the gynecologist. I was trying to give my best tough-girl persona. We made small talk. All was well. Then came time to actually put my feet in said stirrups and get into position. My legs were shaking terribly! I was so embarrassed. Everything went fine, and I really was comfortable emotionally and physically, but apparently my nerves showed. Oh well - I hope he learned something, and I hope he didn't feel too bad about it either.

It was doubly beneficial for him, because I have some mystery health problems that I do need to address. I'll spare you the details. I do have a history of plenty of, um. . ., girl problems. That's a technical answer.

I also carved my pumpkin today (see above picture). It was a lot of fun. I drew on it with wipe-off marker first and then used carving tools and a scalpel. The mouth says, "welcome." It's not the clearest picture. My husband did the little pumpkin. Rather cute if I say so myself.

I accidentally ate a donut today. . .

Also, I have been booze free for fours days and counting. I will only have a beverage on Friday evenings. It's easier than I had feared. Now, if only I could commit to getting some sleep!

Who am I and why am I here?

Exam time. I had a biochemistry exam today. The class is interesting, but my professor is just awful. He dropped a lot of acid in the 70's (really, that's true) and he drinks too much. He can't hear well. He doesn't listen to questions before answering them. His test questions are vague, but he expects specific answers. I think I did all right, provided I was able to think like him. However, he had one question about the primary salt bridge in hemoglobin, and that was confusing, because there's a network of salt bridges and plenty of other forces contributing. . .who knows.

Tomorrow I'm carving my huge pumpkin. I'm going to carve, "welcome" into the mouth. I'm going to cut out the bottom, because I figure it's easier to get a candle in there without burning my hand off. I need to get some ideas for a good nose.

So I'm filling out tons of applications. I'm starting to get the impression that I am wholly average - that's kind of scary. What if I don't get in? I'm wicked creative (or so I'm told), but I don't know if that counts for much in medical school. Maybe somebody will see the whole me and decide that I'm in some way special and worthy. A lot of schools ask for a photo. Is it okay to submit my favorite picture of me playing my cello?

Tomorrow I have a pap smear. Yeah. I know you wanted that information. I'm going to a new doctor, and she sounds very good. Please be gentle.

Well, I'm going once again on a few hours of sleep. Though I seem to be able to keep going and going, I think it's time to get ready for bed.

Essays

These are tough. I had no idea how difficult it would be to creatively pour my heart out on paper (screen?). I decided to cut the really gritty stuff out. I'm not sure if that was the right decision. I had some pretty rotten stuff happen to me when I was a kid, and it did really influence me - even in some very good ways - but I think it's too much for a short essay for people who don't know me well. Alas, politics over honesty wins again.

It's really too bad that I haven't cured cancer or ended world hunger. That would have looked good. Maybe I'll do that next week.

I wish I could get these things in the mail sooner! I work entirely too much, but it's necessary. My job is crazy-stressful, but it pays very well. I'm not well suited for it, but it's what they offered at the interview, so I am learning via trial by fire.

This weekend I can have my Sabbath back! We finally have the house up for sale. I am going to read my medical journals with medical dictionary in lap. DC I hope you're out there to answer my questions. . .

I should probably study for that biochemistry test too. I finished the reading this evening, so now I just need to go through some problems. Slacker, I know. Just keep the coffee coming. . .

Jason, the photo is for you. I thought you'd like it.

Looser

I missed out on my library reading today. However, the siding and windows now shine (minus two rooms - I'll do that tomorrow). We have a real desk in the study now, and that's wonderful. The woodwork in the kitchen looks very nice. The piles of laundry are done. The porch furniture is washed. The basement is looking very neat and clean. Life is good.

So here's the application business - I now have 15 out of 15 secondaries to complete. I'm very excited about this and I would be flattered, but now I think I've realized that it's a way to make money rather than actually choosing candidates. My MCAT scores certainly aren't good enough to get into Minnesota or Johns Hopkins (I love you John!). But honestly, if they do call me, I'll answer the phone very calmly and accept the invitation, and then I'll get off of the phone (double check that it is in fact hung up) and then scream like a teenage girl upon seeing Johnny Depp walk through her front door. Or Les Claypool! He's my boyfriend from the band (ex-band) Primus. It's okay, Jason knows that I'm cheating on him with both Les and John (of Johns Hopkins).

The question of the day to ponder - other than the ridiculous question from a certain school which asks, "Briefly describe what a life in discovery means to you?" - should I go to school through the army scholarship? It doesn't sound like a bad gig. I'm afraid of what might be the underlying, hard to find, crap in the fine print, but the program as a whole sounds pretty good. I'd actually rather go with the navy, but I've read that the army gives the applicant more choices. What to do? I'm happy to give my effort, but I'm certainly not willing to give my life over stupid (and I mean stupid) politics. It infuriates me that so many people are being wantonly killed everyday.

Let's discuss education briefly, since I gave that nice intro through the above essay question. What has happened to us? It used to be that only the kids from elite backgrounds (read as "education is prized and sought-after") went to college, and there were few "filler schools" - by that I mean schools that cater to the third-rate student. What about the GI bill during the Second World War? That allowed more blue-collar families to send their kids to college, when before they wouldn't have had the opportunity. Did we then allow the standards to slip? Why do we now focus on learning all the details of many subjects instead of really learning the basics well and then allowing the really great minds to continue? I remember learning all kinds of battles for the various "big wars," but I failed to really take home the - Who was there? Why did it get started? How did it progress? What were the consequences? Why must kids fill so much of their days with school, when if we cut the junk out it would only take a few hours and then time for homework and other interests? Is it so parents can work and there's a free babysitter? It disgusts me. I would have been very sad to have been weeded out long ago - I come from an utterly average family - but what about real effort? I never had to really fight for higher education. In fact, my undergraduate degree was paid for! I'm a very good cellist, but worthy of a full-ride? Doubtful.

Medical school study has taught me a lot, and more than just the subjects I've needed to study. It's taught me that if I want this I'm really going to have to work for it. It's a nice change really. But can I afford to do this? I guess I'll find out. I have no support. I can't call home and say, "Mom, can I have $1000?" Let alone $30,000. It's scary. What I wouldn't have given for home schooling. Home schooling from people who really value knowledge. I would have loved to have learned Latin, and classic and contemporary literature, history, real mathematics and logic. To have an education that would show that I really know something. To be able to discuss things on the level of a great thinker. That's what I lament most. And I look around and listen to the chatter and I hear, "and I'm like, so, whatever. It's like not even funny, and did you hear about ____? I couldn't believe it. Shit, I need to go do my calculus homework. I need to put the formulas for the test in my calculator." And that, ladies and gentlemen, is where we are today. Go rent Idiocracy. . .

Ever been to a library book sale? I love them. If your are exceedingly olfactory, it's pure heaven or hell. They always seem to smell like pickles, urine, and generalized body odor. I'm not sure why book-lovers are often so careless with hygiene, but there seems to be a trend.

I got the 2005 PDR. That was pretty sweet. I also got a book on common surgeries. It's for patients. They are overviews of exactly what happens during the procedures. I'm excited about that. There was also a 1905 book about the state of medicine, and it talks about all kinds of diseases and how to cure them. Fantastic! That kind of history is really fascinating.

I spent my Sabbath reading medical journals in the library with medical dictionary in had, or rather, in lap - it's huge. Can somebody explain eclampsia to me? I didn't fully understand the definition. Is it really like a seizure? Why is it life-threatening? Thanks for educating me.

I'm tired, but I just ate pizza, and I'm too wired to go to sleep. We went to this little hole-in-the wall place and asked the owner to put on whatever cheese he thought would be tasty. We get this wonderful blend or mozzarella, Gorgonzola, blue, Parmesan, and several others. It was perfectly balanced. Yummy.

We spent all of today cleaning and organizing. I've never had closets and filing cabinets so neat and tidy. We officially put our house on the market next Sunday. We have a little more painting to do and some general cleaning. We bought a new computer desk (currently we're using one for kids) and a bureau (my husband has a tiny one, but all of my clothes are in stacks in the closet). So next week, for the first time ever - I will living the life of the ultra-organized, clean girl, I always envied. I always wanted that lovely little house that you walk into and a woman greets you at the door in an apron with cookies and milk. Can you picture her skinny little leg as she bends towards you offering the perfect cookie? Okay, I would hate that, but in some deep dark cavern of my mind I feel that I should be doing those kinds of things. Weightlifting, reading, being a doctor. . .totally not your trophy-wife. Unless you go for the kind of woman that would rather talk about politics and the state of education today than whatever (insert current cool-type movie-star person here) is up to. Or should I say, "Up to what is (insert current cool-type movie-star person here)? That may be a bit extreme.

All right, so once again I'm in the position of saying that I need to study and not yet doing so. I need to break this habit. I think once the house is ready to go, and my applications are rolling along I will be able to focus. I really like biochemistry, I'm just so fried by the end of the day that I tend to make excuses to not study. Okay, that's an excuse for an excuse. I just need some down time to regroup and stay my happy well-adjusted self. The coffee calls my name ever so sweetly. Don't try the Burger King mocha joe! It's 10 times more addicting than crack! It's like a milkshake covered in coffee. . .thankfully they are closed right now. Mmmm, but at 6:00am they are not closed. . .

Speaking of 6:00am, I really need to go to bed. I really need to finish my Johns Hopkins application. I'm carefully crafting every answer so that they can see as much of me as possible in as few words as I am able. I may not be the brightest, but I think I have a lot to offer. Trust me. . .I want to be a doctor. . .

STRESS!

Okay, so I'm a totally green when it comes to medicine. I am but a mere fledgling. So my genius self thought it best to apply to 15 MD schools that I really liked, and then to DO schools soon as time permits. I figured I'd get good and rejected by at least 5 right out of the blocks, but no, I do believe there is a money-factor here, I received 15 secondary application invites! On the one hand, I'm excited, on the other I'm wondering, "How the heck am I going to pay for this?" And come on - I was looking forward to framing my rejection letter from Johns Hopkins. I love John. I'd let him use me. I absolutely love that school. I love what they do there. I love their programs. I love how much thinking and real learning seems to go on there. So alas, I will suck it up and pay John. I feel kind of dirty.

I've also gotten back into weightlifting. I used to lift in high school, then I got awfully (okay really really) skinny, then I got chubby and lazy. So now, I'm trying to bulk up and get my muscle back, and then lose weight if I can. I do have a terrible weakness for the cookie. In fact, that was my first word. I figure it would look really bad to go to interviews looking rather portly. Who trusts a fat doctor? All right, I would, but that's beside the point.

I still want to be a surgeon. Did you know I've never looked up how much different surgeons get paid? I don't want to know. I want to choose based on what I really want to do. However, the pressure of taking care of my parents is a little intimidating. They definitely did not plan their money very well.

Any surgeons out there living near Cleveland? Can I come and watch some stuff? I really miss the OR. I'm a nice young lady, and I am very well behaved (especially when it matters).