New Blog for a New Start

It has come to my attention that my new blog does on appear on the old one. So here is the link, if you're interested in following along. I hope you are all well. http://becomingamedicaldoctor.blogspot.com/

A New Beginning

One week in, and so far, it's wonderful. Having gone to an utterly mediocre undergraduate institution with a great chemistry program, I certainly can appreciate my awesome professors at med-school. Though I've only been here a week, I can see that I am truly fortunate to be going to such a great school. The professors are organized, intelligent, professionally dressed, and utterly devoted to our success. The school as a whole is extremely well organized.

I'm unprepared for the future. So far, biochemistry has been a review. I am feeling confident and competent. That will change in the next few days as I begin anatomy, cytology, and histology.

The real "arrival" moment was meeting our cadavers. I've been looking forward to this for a long time. I think anatomy is absolutely fascinating, and now I'll have the chance to really see it and study it. I'm sure that will also involve a lot of cursing and crying - I'm not that jaded. I've written a poem for my cadaver. It's not brilliant, but I felt it, and I meant it, so here it is -

A Grandmotherly expression
chubby - with happy smile-lines
I can imagine you
baking a pie
You have intelligent eyes
I can see that
though they are closed
You are short and possibly Asian
You have large breasts
I wonder who loved them
You look loved
-nice skin, pretty silver hair
And here you are
giving everything that's left
of your physical self
to me
I will remember that
and I will love you

At this point in my extremely nascent medical career I am very happy and content. I love learning new things. I love complexity, and I have this amazingly supportive extended family (classmates) with whom to share this journey. I hope this feeling can be kept when things get tough.

So This is It?

And so it begins - my adventure, my new life. It's terrifying. I'm one of those people who tries to control everything. I'd realign the stars if I could - I'd make them all equidistant, but I'd vary the brightness to keep it interesting.

To future physicians - just when you think you have it all together, you find out you're wrong. In order to have any fun at all, one has to let a few things slip. For example, I could have my book bag packed, my loans secured, my orientation papers laminated. . .but instead I've read books, had some coffee, basked in the shower. Life is good. Oh yeah, and played on Pandora. It's so wonderful. I'm not suffering with my new Bose ear-buds, either. Back to the poor medical student -

So one must plan their move, and in my case find a house manager and rent the house I own in Ohio, get a new bank account, secure loans, do the mandatory loan counseling thing online, defer the loans that one can, change one's address and have bills/catalogues forwarded, get school supplies, get a new license, register the car in a new state, check with school and make sure one's immunizations are taken care of, get the vaccines/titers/skin tests needed, send proof of health insurance to one's school. . .and these are just the things that pop immediately into my head. Yes, I'm keeping lists. It's hard to be organized when your life is in boxes in the middle of the living room floor!

I now understand a teeny bit about making time. I've hardly done anything with my husband this week, and it was supposed to be the "crazy-go-nuts" final hurrah. Sorry, babe. What are you doing tonight?

You know, I used to be the kind that freaked out about, well, everything. One overdraft was the end of the world. I'm getting better. My account was viciously overdrawn, because the teller put a big check into the wrong account. My student loan was delinquent, because I misunderstood my deferment. I didn't freak out! I called the bank and poof - all better. I called my loan people, couldn't understand the guy from India, was transferred to the US, and poof - problem solved. Oh yeah, I have to call my former health insurance people - they don't want to acknowledge my dental plan. I should go take care of that.

I elected this life. I think it will be good for me, though it will probably be the death of me. You know what - I'm going to make some bread later today. I think it is time to introduce my new kitchen to my challah.

My Beloved Rattie

This past Tuesday my heart was broken. I went downstairs to feed the little rattie beasties, and my Christopher did not come up to greet me. I prayed that his hearing had deteriorated further, and he just hadn't heard me. Sadly, I found him curled up in his purple house, no longer in this world.

He was still warm and soft. His eyes were still glistening black. Thank G_d I found him this way. I've been thanking G_d everyday. My precious critter was gone, my highest hopes for his death were realized. He died a healthy, old rat, presumably in his sleep, and I got to hold him soon thereafter. My only regret is that I hadn't really played with him in the past couple of days. Of course I loved on him, but not "this is your half-hour with Mom."

Some may say it's silly to love such a pet. He was only a rat. However, he was so much more to me. I'd never had a companion that showed so much love and patience. He was playful and smart. He was gentle and so loving. He let me kiss him like crazy and scruff up his little bit of fur (he was almost bald).

For nearly three years I got to enjoy his precious self, and for that I am truly grateful. I can only hope and pray that he knew, in his little rattie brain, how much I adored him.

You meant so much to me, Christopher. May you rest peacefully knowing that you were such a joy. B'shalom, little beast.

Poetry

I've been writing poetry since I was in the forth grade. I hope you like some of these.

On Love - written in 2004

Pen in hand
a bitter love note
written with the scratching
sound of angry
unsaid
unfelt
insults
one final stab
the last say
you had it coming
or rather
you deserved it
mouthing the words
one corner of my lip
bitten
Clean sheet of paper
silence
"I'm sorry."

On Coffee Houses - written in 2007

Metallic sculptures
hard lines
consummate angles
Friendly conversation
little glimpses
into unknown lives
beautiful faces
shining eyes
troubled smile lines
big soft chairs to cushion
you
like arms
the ones that don't hold you
Happy music
for sad people

On Aging (Le Sigh) - written in 2005

I'm filling out
getting rounder
older
wiser
the days are getting
shorter, colder
the winters are harsh
the summers hotter
I don't understand
Kids these days
I'm out of style
out of touch
your touch
Bacchus help me
I'm not so pretty
anymore.

Into the Dark - written in 2003

Always remember
to close the door -
behind you
Lest the memories
escape
to claim your life
And all the while
laughing
at your stupidity

A small smattering. Perhaps I will keep it coming; I have tons and tons of stuff.

Lovely Lazyness

I had a wonderful weekend despite the upstairs toilet dying a sad, leaky death. Of course, being utterly neurotic, I lost an entire night's sleep worrying about it. It's a toilet! Really, it's no big deal. But huge quantities or water and vast sums of money. Oy.

Speaking of neurotic - I had to laugh at myself. Here I am, dropping a perfectly successful teaching career to go traipsing off to medical school, converting to Judaism (two weeks left to go), and thinking, "Hey, I should totally go vegan!" Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's true, I am strange, bold, and never idle (unless the couch phenomenon gets me). For those not privy to the couch phenomenon - that's when you sit down on the couch with a cup of perfect coffee and get to thinking or watching the birds or pondering one's unbelievably strange neighbors. We have one set of neighbors that only allows their children to play between the garage and back of the house. That's approximately 15 square feet in which to roam! They even have a plastic fence to keep them back there. Yes, they are of the extremely conservative sect. They don't want their dim-witted, obese, blond, screaming brats to interact with the heathen black kids next door. The heathen black kids come from a nice Christian family. However, they are black, and that's bad. I heard Mr. "I'm a super-good Christian" curse loudly when the black family moved in. Really Sir, you're gunna be all right.

So I called in sick to work today. I do have a sore throat. I am tired; I didn't sleep. I think some bike riding and coffee drinking should do the trick. Perhaps I will sit my rear down and really study Hebrew. I seem to moonlight with it. I love the language, but it's so difficult that I get frustrated. Anyone who thinks it appropriate to point out that medical school is pretty tough will be ignored. I reserve the right to roll my eyes at you. I guess I do best with a drill master, or at least a curriculum that won't allow me to whine and then go off-course, usually with a coffee and sketch book in hand. I need external discipline. Alas, I am not focused enough on my own. This saddens me. "Five times a day, with bricks."

I have a feeling that something delicious is about to be made in my kitchen! Shalom y'all.

Blogolatio

Ever heard of Pandora.com? It's wonderful. I'm listening to my Ani DeFranco mix right now. I'm convinced they have everything.

This evening I spent quite a portion of it preparing for my husband's arrival tomorrow. I want him to feel very. . .welcomed home. Ladies - we sure go to a lot of work. However, in my more girly moments I admit to myself that I like it. I like preparing and painting my nails. I like sitting around listening to good music and plucking my eyebrows. I love the way my body feels after shaving. I can't wait for him to come home and smell my new scent - I mixed two fragrances from Bath and Body Works. Yummy. I shall be wearing something wonderful and I will have a great lunch prepared with a CD mix going on in the other room. I may have also picked up a few beverages.

An a slightly less private note - it seems like couples give up after a few years. Today at work people were talking about their spouses. To me it sounded like their other half just wanted a little attention. I told one guy to take home some flowers and maybe a treat that she likes and then not ask for "goodies." You see, she'll feel loved and not just sought-after and then she will come and get it; as it were. We ladies just like to know that we are cared about and that you really tried to do something sweet. This goes the other way too. I know that any man appreciates when his girl gets all fancy for him and makes him feel like a King. I don't understand why people can be so selfish.

My parents gave me two bits of advice when I got married. First, never make him guess what I'm thinking. Second, be nice. These two things have helped a lot. I'm far from perfect, but everyday I get up and try again. Everyone tells me that after _____ number of years that will change. That used to be a few, or five, but now that we've been together for almost nine (married for almost five), people have bumped that number up to ten or some other arbitrary number. I hope to prove you all wrong and to show that a gentle give-and-take is the best way. It helps to have the best husband of all the husbands.

This is a super-selfish post; I hope you'll forgive me. Wish me a good weekend.

Separation of Hallah

Here is a photo of the separated portion of the hallah. This time I remembered to take down the smoke alarm before it scared me half-to-death.

Shabbat

This evening I baked hallah (the first h sounds like a vicious throat-clearing). My house smells fantastic. Tomorrow I will take a loaf to work, one to a family with whom I'll be having dinner, and a friend. I shall keep one for myself. I also baked some wicked-good pita for my delicious (or so I say) hummus. I am super-tired. G'nite.

A Shout Out

My friend from work introduced me to "Conversate is not a word." Fantabulous (also not a word)! You must check it out.

I am a deadly honest person. I pride myself on that. However, it sometimes gets me into trouble. I remember when Eminem first made his way into the light. I remember thinking, "Well, at least anybody can be called the 'N' word now." Kind of takes the edge off. In fact, I loved it. It is the ghetto culture that I can't stand. It has nothing to do with skin color, but I'd be stoned to death if I came out and said that.

There is a culture of ignorance and blame that pervades the "ghetto," or shall I call it "urban centers" or "the community?" As a white person, I'm really not supposed to write this, but to hell with it. Anyone can be great, if they give a damn long enough to find their potential.

If you fail, you fail. I'm not going to medical school because I'm brilliant. Hardly. Far from it. I've worked so hard for this. I'm going to continue to work. I want this badly enough to go and get it. Surprise! Your wonderful life isn't going to be handed to you.

Do we need to help boost people up who've been given a rough lot? I think so. If I had a cello student who couldn't pay, but wanted to learn and was willing to work - no questions asked, I'd do it for free. And yes, I've taught a lot of free lessons. Life isn't fair, but don't come whining to me. If you want something, go get it. No excuses. Happy belated Juneteenth - to those who risked everything because they gave a damn.

PS Niggardly means to be stingy. It has nothing to do with a horrible racial slur, even etymologists agree. Sorry David Howard - fired due to gross incompetence. My country embarrasses me. Sweet land of liberty. . .

PPS Destroy your TV

Circuits are Hard. . .

I had to eat my words, and swallow my pride today. Le sigh. I got into work this morning to find half of the lab flooded. The water system was overflowing. I turned off the water and put the systems on stand-by. I figured something was wrong with the sensor that controls the shut-off. I set-up a technician visit, and then the "yes, I really can do anything" man showed up. He's a "PhD'ed" individual with huge reserves of raw brain-power. So Mr. Amazing climbs up onto the lab bench, opens the tank, pulls out the sensor (which is about 3.5 feet long), climbs down, and proceeds to show me how it works.

The sensor is a series of resistors in parallel with a series of switches running between them like ladder rungs. As the water-level rises, the magnetic float rises too and closes a switch at for every 5% of the tank that fills. This shorts the circuit and allows the sensor back in the wall to sense how much current is flowing, and thus how full the tank is. He proceeds to check the magnetic sensor by moving it up and down the circuit and reading what the machine says. That seems to work just fine.

Mr. Amazing goes back to the "box" and starts looking at the wiring. He takes apart a plug and notices copper chloride (corrosion from getting wet) sitting in the bottom. He determines that this is the cause of the problem. He says he'll go to Radio Shack and buy and new one, and in the meantime I need to figure out how the circuit works. . .

He comes back, fixes it, and we're back in business. As for me - I figured it couldn't possibly be that simple. I over-analyzed it and finally asked him to draw it for me. Damn-it, I would have been correct! Chalk one up to self-doubt. Ach, I wish I were smarter.

Sleep!

It's been awhile. I've been on some excursions.

I'm learning to write left-handing to improve my motor skills. I'm back to Judaism (just a little vacation, that's all). I've been drawing, learning Hebrew, writing poetry, doting on my ratties, and fixing the plumbing in my sketchily plumbed bathroom. I am unstoppable, or rather, I have insomnia. Oh, and I did have a plumber come and do the scary stuff.

Insomnia is truly evil. I've suffered from it since I was in middle school. The only things I know that really work are writing all of my thoughts to quiet my mind, taking a high-powered prescription sleeping pill, and a glass of wine. I shall be continuing to steps two and three shortly. After four days on less then four hours of sleep, I'm getting loopy.

I need to practice my cello, but that will have to wait until tomorrow. The truly suckiest thing about being an adult is responsibility. I've done laundry, cleaned, washed dishes, gone grocery shopping, tended to my little buddies (the rats). . .all stuff I don't mind, but it eats up all of my time. Sigh.

I apologize for shamelessly laughing at my male colleagues - the water system went down today. I know how to take the thing apart, but my male colleagues wanted a crack at it. They all stood around talking about what needed to be done, which wasn't even close to correct. Then they asked me if I had done some truly stupid things, which I had not, and I suggested to them that I take it apart for them so they could check out the inside. I did this on purpose so I could watch them volley for machismo points. It was priceless. In the end, I put it back together so a technician could come and fix a crack that had developed inside the system. I said that at 10:30 in the morning, but the "boys" figured it out by 4:30 in the afternoon. I was completely ignored. Ach, I still had the satisfaction of being right all along. Now all I need is a pink tool belt. I did call one of them princess. I probably shouldn't have done that. Perhaps with a bit of sleep I'll be nicer and less evil. We shall see.

The Endless Wonderings of the Brain

I wonder if I am alone in my media-created caricature of John Kerry-like thinking. By this I mean I am the ultimate "flip-flopper." I all too often change my mind. I've been thinking about religion lately, as my husband expressed concern over converting to Judaism. They (my in-laws) are conservative Baptist types, who may very well disown us if we convert. I also don't know if it's right to chuck my upbringing out the window in favor of what I see as a more fulfilling religion. Fulfilling in the sense that a lot of Judaism has to do with bettering oneself and the world for future generations. This, of course, is a gross over-simplification. There are many upsetting and I dare say even wrong tenets of Judaism.

I like my "old-faithful" - atheism. However, that is so empty. How would I feel on my death-bed? Well, this is it - good-bye world! Not very satisfying. No one to receive my prayers, hopes, sorrows, and thanks? But really it's true. We laugh at witchcraft and the Norse gods, but look at us - we're no better. It's comforting, but so stupid that it's laughable too. Why would there be or have ever been a divine creator who put "man" here as the pinnacle of creation. How utterly arrogant to assume we are the best that this god could do. We are barbarians. We are selfish. We use circular logic that redefined as faith seems okay.

Certainly there are things we cannot explain. However, god does not stand up to scrutiny either.

One thing I know for certain - coffee is good.

Gefilte Fish!

In Judaism, we don't see the various movements as our kin, but rather as our foe. It's not like a problematic family member whom we love anyway, but instead we dismiss and even despise one another.

I had been attending an orthodox synagogue for awhile. I really enjoy the Rabbi's d'var Torah (thoughts about the weekly Torah portion), and his Torah class. However, there has always been an air of superiority, and he never asks me a question, but only the men. Okay, I could handle that. I decided to meet him in person with my husband.

We had a nice chat, but it became clear that to be an orthodox Jew meant accepting all of the practices, whether or not they're valid. I asked him exactly what the orthodox community would think about me having a career and my husband running our household. He said they would say we are crazy. We would not be accepted. That got me thinking.

All right, so my way of life is not orthodox, but I did not choose to be the kind of person I am. Neither did my husband. We try to be the best people we can be, but there is still a personality with which one is born. One can even see this in babies. So what if a person is homosexual?

No homosexual that I have ever met chose to be that way. No sports-challenged man chooses to be that way. No weight-lifting, tobacco-chewing woman chooses to be that way. We are what we are. I happen to be a leader by nature. I can't sit back and watch the world go by. I have to be a part of it.

I tried to be a homemaker. I absolutely hated it. Loathed it. Despised it. I wanted to be a homemaker. I would have been proud to have been a stay-at-home mom. I couldn't do it. It's not me. I think I knew that before I even got started.

So I went back to school to follow my passion - medicine. My husband would like to stay home, which is great. He would be an amazing father. So what is so wrong about doing what we are best able to do? In my eyes - nothing.

I spoke to my Rabbi about this - he is conservative and runs a completely egalitarian synagogue. He agrees, and even gave me permission to put tzit tzit (the fringes on one's garment that reminds a person to live a life of Torah) on any daughter(s) that we may have. I refuse to raise a daughter as a second-class citizen. Traditionally, only men wear these. He told me to get a tallit (prayer shawl) for myself. I left that meeting feeling inspired and able, as opposed to feeling guilty for not fitting the mold.

After much soul-searching I've come to realize that the greatest goals come from both Rabbis - above all be kind, and everyone should "do" Judaism if it's going to have any meaning for future generations. Dayenu.

What to do with myself? I have a few more months to live in this town (unless I get bumped to the class of 2013 - which could happen). I want to do some tutoring or hospital volunteer work. Is it wrong to do something like that so short term? It's not just for me that I want to volunteer, but also for the people with whom I would work.

My new job is going well. I have not breathed a word about medical school. There have also been some changes made that will hopefully improve things. Right now my work load is absolutely insane. It's making me a bit edgy too. I hate being that busy. I hate thinking about work when I'm home. Ach, hopefully things will lighten up soon.

About Conservation International - Not only did they respond to my question about the giant rat found in Indonesia, but here is what they actually said -

Thank you for submitting an inquiry to Conservation International. Your

interest is greatly appreciated!

I understand you are interested in CI's expedition to the Foja Mountains

in Indonesia, specifically the species found there. For this 2007

expedition CI neither collected nor harmed any animals. However, the

Bogor museum scientist who traveled with us did collect and preserve

specimens of mammals that are new to science, in order to describe these

new species for the museum.

CI's policy regarding collecting specimens of species is to always be

respectful of the wishes of local communities when on expeditions, as

well as considering the health of the ecosystem. For example, in the

2004 marine survey of New Caledonia's coral reefs, no collections were

made, in keeping with local tribes' wishes.

If you would like more information about CI's policies or about any

particular expedition please feel free to reply to this message or write

to community@conservation.org. I'd be happy to send any specific

questions you have to the scientists who were in the field. Thank you

again for your interest is Conservation International and your concern

for the environment!

Cheers,

Lindsay Walter-Cox

Online Promotion Coordinator

Conservation International

A bit of rare honesty. I need to write them back and thank them. I'm glad they left it alone. I wish research groups would do that more often.

And still my house sits on the market. I think today will be another double post day. I have other thoughts tumbling through my head.

I'm Going to be a Doctor!

Finally, the wait is over. The dread is over. The exhaustion and worry and absolute nirvana is over. I'm in! I will be attending a great DO school somewhere in the south-ish. Yes, it's the one I liked. Phew - I don't have to find money to fly to California.

It hasn't quite settled on me yet. I'm in a state of shock and confusion. Is it real? Did someone finally notice me? Yes, they did. Instead of starting on my path to wellness, I ate fettuccine alfredo. Perhaps a good rock climbing date is in my future.

On an unrelated note - I wrote to Conservation International about the giant rat - that's who did the research. So far they have not returned my email. Being about conservation, I would hope they left the critter alone. They damn well better not have put it in any sort of cage or zoo or lab!

I started my new position at work. Oh it's so much better. I make buffers and solutions for cells and tissues in our pharmaceutical work. My husband is convinced that they will move me through every position so I can tweak it into submission. I am absolutely anti-bullshit. I do my work in the fastest and most accurate way possible with no frills. I don't wait for someone to tell me how it's going to be - I fix it and let them tell me it was a good idea. I'm not a jerk about it. I'm not pushy or rude, but when I'm absolutely certain that something can be done better, I do it and wait for management to decide that I had a good idea. So far my work has been great. They are happy and the results are good. No more endless stacks of paperwork! I have been handed some really good fortune lately. Now if someone would just buy my house. It's really nice, just come and take a look. . .

I need to figure out how to pay for medical school and the possibility of a family somewhere during my medical school years. I'm not getting younger or more fertile. Instead of fretting and losing sleep - I will just let the chips fall and pick up any that roll under the couch.

PS: I have never gambled on any day other than Purim.

I had my first interview one week ago. If life wasn't confusing enough - I loved it! I absolutely loved it. However, the town is tiny. I have no problem with that, in fact, I think I would really enjoy living there. Besides, there is a very nice coffee shop - I need nothing more.

So what's the problem? Absolutely no Jewish life. None. The nearest synagogue is one hour away, and it's one of those Reform, part Buddhist, part Unitarian, part "who needs rules?" kind of places. Not my thing. The next nearest synagogue is a mere three hours away. I have a meeting tomorrow with my Rabbi to discuss this.

I think I could survive two years there and then move to a more Jewish place for clerkships. I think the school would be great, minus some of the manipulative medicine stuff, which sounds like expensive chiropracy or massage. Perhaps I will change my mind.

Look at me! I should say, perhaps I will change my mind if I'm accepted. Still no word from a few Ohio schools, a few DO schools, and one school in New York. Maybe I will get a miracle.

I guess if I want this badly enough (and I do), and I care about Judaism enough (which I do) I'll find a way to make it work.

Oh, and I did wear my kerchief to interview. I hope that wasn't a bad idea. Personally, I thought I looked lovely and very professional.

The picture is of a giant Indonesian rat that was found in the jungle. It's the largest on record. Personally, I think it's beautiful. I hope they let it live. I'll look into that. . .

Two for the Price of One

I am notorious for writing blogs with loose ends and incongruent paragraphs. I decided that it would be best if I wrote two in one day to keep the randomnity at bay.

This past weekend I attended an Orthodox synagogue. The woman who sold me my "medical school interviews" suit recommended that I try the one in my town. I told her I was too much of a feminist for something like that. She pushed the issue - I caved - I went.

I was prepared to hate it. I thought the women, in their section, would be chatting about the latest episode of "Survivor" (especially since Orthodox Jews aren't supposed to own televisions) or something equally mindless, and that they would not be paying any attention, or be able to read Hebrew. I was so wrong - about everything. They were very intelligent. There was no idle chatter, except for the usual "Hello, how is your mother?" type of stuff. They followed the Hebrew very well, and some women, stood and recited Kaddish when it was time (strictly not okay). I hang my head in shame for my assumptions.

All right, but what about all of the negatives. Just delve into it a little bit, and it's quite clear what the very orthodox men think. Read the bible - it's in there. We are unclean, we are frivolous and foolish. We are very much expendable, with regard to our bodies, unless we're the sister or daughter of someone important. Men count towards a minyan, women do not. Something about not having to complete "time" commandments, because we are too busy having babies. However, for those who have stay-at-home husbands, and work to support their families - well, tradition holds - no tallit for you! Why?

However, I've seen egalitarian synagogues, and for the most part, I am not only unimpressed, but angry. It doesn't work. The families are weak, and the traditions even weaker. We tried to make improvements, and instead we cheapened the whole thing. It didn't have to be that way. It shouldn't be that way. Could I raise a daughter in the Orthodox tradition? I don't know - how would I answer her questions? Mommy likes that the people here are actually doing Judaism, so we come to this synagogue. Mommy likes that these women are strong and intelligent. Mommy doesn't like that the egalitarian women expend the majority of their brain power on shopping and magazines.

I have no idea what to make of this. Until then, I will sit on the right side and listen to the men.

Two Medical School Interviews and Medical Bloopers

Yeah! I now have two interviews. Both are DO schools, one of which I am interested in attending. The second interview is the lowest on my list, but it's better than nothing. I'm still waiting on my state to reply. Is it hopeless at this point? Why has Ohio been so silent. I applied to a few schools here, and nothing. I feel so stood-up.

I had a wonderful chat the other day with a medical student. I was at one of my specialists' offices, and had been waiting for over an hour. I was not happy, and they couldn't find my chart. Anyway, he had to deal with my wrath first. Of course, send in the new guy to deal with an unhappy Jew. He turned out to be really great. We ended up talking about medical school and being nontraditional applicants (of which he was one). He doesn't think it's hopeless, but maybe he was just being nice.

Of course when things get crazy, they get crazy in piles. So here I am going to my various doctors, and each one wants to do something extra. I have so many appointments right now, it's ridiculous. I certainly don't have any horrible medical conditions, just some rarities that I think doctors love. I imagine getting a different "case" is kind of exciting.

So what will these schools ask me? Will I need to know what's going on in Cambodia? Will they ask me who I voted for in the primary and why? Do I need a good plan for the future of medicine? Should I pretend that I don't wear a headscarf? At least I plan on wearing a nice brown suit, and not the traditional black. The neckline is still kosher.

Help!

Pharmaceutical Scut-Monkey

This is not a nice term for what I do, however, it is not completely untrue. Currently I oversee all the drugs that come into and go out of a pharmaceutical testing and development company. Soon I will be moving on to the all-important job of buffer making! Please hold your applause until the end. Why in the world am I willing to do this? Because I want to work in the electrophysiology department without having to obtain a degree in electrophysiology. This way, if I have to hang-out here for another year while trying to get into medical school. . .again, at least I'll be doing something interesting.

What the heck is electrophysiology? I'm glad you asked. It is (in my case) testing the effects of pharmaceuticals on heart tissue (in certain ion channels). Basically, we want to know if the drug that company X would like to put on the market is going to kill you. Pretty neat, huh? So we take a heart, cut it into pieces, stimulate Purkinje fibers with electrodes, add drug, and analyze. I especially like the dissection part. And, because I am essentially a softie for critters, I would do my best to never waste any hearts.

Do not try this at home.

The photo shows Purkinje fibers

Medical School Rejection Collection

6 down. . .9 to go! I have successfully been rejected by 4 schools, and failed to complete 2 applications. It is at this point, being that it is already February, that I am getting quite nervous. If I don't make it this time around, I will try one more time. I know there are things I can improve upon, and after a second attempt, I would suppose that it is not meant to be. I worry that if it's that hard to get in, could I pass the boards? Knowing me I'd be too damn stubborn to just give up. I'd probably find a way. However, my home state (where I grew up) did reject me - that was a bit of a shock.

Humor - Ohio State sent me an application form for scholarships, which is rather funny since I've not been asked for an interview. Sigh. . .

In an attempt to not be out of touch while I'm dwelling in the world of pharmaceuticals, I will be volunteering at a local hospital doing palliative care. It sounds really interesting - I'll be going to a family's home and helping them while their family member either finishes treatment and gets better or passes away. I thought it would be a great way to help me learn empathy - which is something people often complain about doctors lacking.

Critter news - I got two baby rats to add to the pack. The one had pneumonia, but with a good vet and our own enginuity, he has recovered (he had less than a 50% chance of surviving). Baby food is the key! It has enough water to keep the little one hydrated, and it takes almost no effort to consume. Emmett highly recommends the peas.

Brain Matter

I had the most amazing experience of my life about a week ago. I finally found a pediatric neurosurgeon that would allow me to watch some surgeries. Not the friendliest guy, but who cares? I saw a brain tumor removal.

The tumor was located just behind and near the top of the brain stem, underneath the cerebellum. He went in above C-1, cut the membrane around the cerebellum, dissected the two hemispheres, had to change course, because the 12th cranial nerve was showing some problems, went a little higher, and finally he was in, and I could see it! It did look different! It looked almost like a sickly, sack-like, blood clot. It was the consistency of overcooked custard, with a tough membrane. Unfortunately it also had characteristics of glioma and astrocytoma - which doesn't bode well for this little one.

I have never loved something this much in my entire life. I didn't move for eight hours. My whole body ached when I left the OR that day. I always thought that I liked ortho or general, but nothing has piqued my interest like that. I also liked not dealing with tons of tendons and ligaments - which frankly, can be tedious.

I also noted the personality. There are certain types of people in surgery. There are certain types in specialities that are miserable - for example, the "save the world," cry at songs on the radio types, don't tend to do well in pediatric oncology. Or even worse - social work. I felt more like the neurosurgeon than any other specialists I've seen thus far.

So I wait - I guess now I know I have to do this. Somehow I'll figure out a way. My mother always said I was stubborn.

Sigh

So it's the middle and January and still no interviews. I'm getting depressed. I keep getting emails saying that I've made it into yet another smaller pool of applicants, however, the next email could be my rejection letter.

I'm on my last application, and it's taking me forever to finish it. I hate the questions - I just want to give up when I look at it. One question is about why the admission committee should accept me. What the hell am I supposed to say?! Because I rock? Should I write a philosophical treatise? What about a weepy triumph story? I can write a lofty piece of poo - I've got the background. However, if I write said lofty piece of poo - then I sound like a bragger. I hate this! I just know that the scatological little demon with the 34 MCAT is going to get in ahead of me. I know such demons - I certainly wouldn't want them for my doctor. One is a smoking, drinking, drug user. Agh. I wish they (those ethereal admissions ghosts) could figure out a better system of finding the right people.

I've got it! It's like music. There are those that are talented, never work, and eventually fail for one reason or another. Those that work hard and make it, though usually with reoccurring bouts of suicidal depression, and those that are super-talented and hard working. The later category is ideal but rare. So, if there aren't enough of these to fill the need where to turn? The hard workers. That's me. I'm pretty smart, but I certainly have had to study, and I'd like to think that I'm relatively well-adjusted.

Today I worked at the Red Cross serving lunch. I enjoyed the people. The lunchers were very gracious, and it was nice to give them the chance to be in control of something, even if it's just, "I want a lot of cream and sugar." I've known some of the attendees - I used to live in a rougher part of town. It was interesting to see the transformation. The druggies, beggars, drunks, etc. were pretty put-together. I saw in that moment that these people didn't choose their problems, but they can't seem to cut-and-run either. It's good that we could be there to at least give them a tasty and nutritious meal. I'll have to think about this some more.

On an unrelated topic - is it sick and wrong that I'd like to dissect a dog? The kind from a catalogue that come dead and preserved. I'm not that sick. I think it would be really fascinating. This coming from the animal loving woman who seeks out free-range, organic, kosher chicken. I don't understand me either.

Today's Hebrew lesson -
Mah schlomcha/schlomech? (m/f) How are you?
Schlomi tov meod. I am well. Todah. Thank you.

Today's Latin humor -
Coniecturalem artem esse medicinam - Medicine is the art of guessing.

Time to go read my new medical history book. I'm excited. On Tuesday I'm shadowing a pediatric neurosurgeon - that's even more exciting.

The photo is of psalm 106

Oy and phew.

I am so sick of me

An update for those brave and steadfast souls who have kept up with my blog.

I have made it through two rounds of cuts to all of the MD schools to which I have applied. This makes me happy. However, I have still not heard back for any interviews. I'm getting very nervous and anxious. I am now finishing up DO applications, and the tough part is still talking about myself with any enthusiasm and wit. I am so sick of writing essays about myself. In 21 schools I have only been able to use the same essay once, and some schools ask for multiple essays on various topics. What did they do - get together and make sure there were no duplicates to discourage applicants from applying to 99 schools? Unless one is the child of divorced and remarried surgeons (lots of child support) and has the CEO of Google for an uncle, no one could afford to do such a thing.

Let's talk about something that doesn't raise my blood-pressure. . .

Happy story - My rat had surgery this week for a tumor, and he is recovering very well. He is lively and ritten-like. The biopsy (yes, I really did pay for this) came back as a deep dermal fibroma. This is a glorified term for "collagen mess." If you are reading this with a raised eyebrow you don't understand the wonderfulness of rat ownership. He is absolutely precious.

Happy and expensive story - After bringing home my rat my cat gets deathly ill. The cat started vomiting violently with bouts of explosive diarrhea. The poor thing just laid in a ball and didn't move. This cat is not the lay-in-a-ball type; he is extremely active. When he started hiding in the closet I knew something was wrong. After blood-work, rehydration, anti-vomiting medication, and special food he is fine. The doctor thinks it was some sort of hepatitis, but I think it was more benign than that. I think the cat had a bout of the flu and just needed rehydration. I was a bit alarmed it the high (yes, for cats) levels of glucose in his blood after having not eaten for 24 hours. Hopefully this will not yield more serious problems.

Another happy (and disturbing) story - My brother and his wife are on their second set of twins in under two years. What are they thinking?

Specialty of the week - I want to be a pediatric neurosurgeon. That sounds amazing!

The photo is of my rat. His precious little self is Christopher.

PS If you are my uncle, and you are rich, please send checks to. . .