The Endless Wonderings of the Brain

I wonder if I am alone in my media-created caricature of John Kerry-like thinking. By this I mean I am the ultimate "flip-flopper." I all too often change my mind. I've been thinking about religion lately, as my husband expressed concern over converting to Judaism. They (my in-laws) are conservative Baptist types, who may very well disown us if we convert. I also don't know if it's right to chuck my upbringing out the window in favor of what I see as a more fulfilling religion. Fulfilling in the sense that a lot of Judaism has to do with bettering oneself and the world for future generations. This, of course, is a gross over-simplification. There are many upsetting and I dare say even wrong tenets of Judaism.

I like my "old-faithful" - atheism. However, that is so empty. How would I feel on my death-bed? Well, this is it - good-bye world! Not very satisfying. No one to receive my prayers, hopes, sorrows, and thanks? But really it's true. We laugh at witchcraft and the Norse gods, but look at us - we're no better. It's comforting, but so stupid that it's laughable too. Why would there be or have ever been a divine creator who put "man" here as the pinnacle of creation. How utterly arrogant to assume we are the best that this god could do. We are barbarians. We are selfish. We use circular logic that redefined as faith seems okay.

Certainly there are things we cannot explain. However, god does not stand up to scrutiny either.

One thing I know for certain - coffee is good.

Gefilte Fish!

In Judaism, we don't see the various movements as our kin, but rather as our foe. It's not like a problematic family member whom we love anyway, but instead we dismiss and even despise one another.

I had been attending an orthodox synagogue for awhile. I really enjoy the Rabbi's d'var Torah (thoughts about the weekly Torah portion), and his Torah class. However, there has always been an air of superiority, and he never asks me a question, but only the men. Okay, I could handle that. I decided to meet him in person with my husband.

We had a nice chat, but it became clear that to be an orthodox Jew meant accepting all of the practices, whether or not they're valid. I asked him exactly what the orthodox community would think about me having a career and my husband running our household. He said they would say we are crazy. We would not be accepted. That got me thinking.

All right, so my way of life is not orthodox, but I did not choose to be the kind of person I am. Neither did my husband. We try to be the best people we can be, but there is still a personality with which one is born. One can even see this in babies. So what if a person is homosexual?

No homosexual that I have ever met chose to be that way. No sports-challenged man chooses to be that way. No weight-lifting, tobacco-chewing woman chooses to be that way. We are what we are. I happen to be a leader by nature. I can't sit back and watch the world go by. I have to be a part of it.

I tried to be a homemaker. I absolutely hated it. Loathed it. Despised it. I wanted to be a homemaker. I would have been proud to have been a stay-at-home mom. I couldn't do it. It's not me. I think I knew that before I even got started.

So I went back to school to follow my passion - medicine. My husband would like to stay home, which is great. He would be an amazing father. So what is so wrong about doing what we are best able to do? In my eyes - nothing.

I spoke to my Rabbi about this - he is conservative and runs a completely egalitarian synagogue. He agrees, and even gave me permission to put tzit tzit (the fringes on one's garment that reminds a person to live a life of Torah) on any daughter(s) that we may have. I refuse to raise a daughter as a second-class citizen. Traditionally, only men wear these. He told me to get a tallit (prayer shawl) for myself. I left that meeting feeling inspired and able, as opposed to feeling guilty for not fitting the mold.

After much soul-searching I've come to realize that the greatest goals come from both Rabbis - above all be kind, and everyone should "do" Judaism if it's going to have any meaning for future generations. Dayenu.

What to do with myself? I have a few more months to live in this town (unless I get bumped to the class of 2013 - which could happen). I want to do some tutoring or hospital volunteer work. Is it wrong to do something like that so short term? It's not just for me that I want to volunteer, but also for the people with whom I would work.

My new job is going well. I have not breathed a word about medical school. There have also been some changes made that will hopefully improve things. Right now my work load is absolutely insane. It's making me a bit edgy too. I hate being that busy. I hate thinking about work when I'm home. Ach, hopefully things will lighten up soon.

About Conservation International - Not only did they respond to my question about the giant rat found in Indonesia, but here is what they actually said -

Thank you for submitting an inquiry to Conservation International. Your

interest is greatly appreciated!

I understand you are interested in CI's expedition to the Foja Mountains

in Indonesia, specifically the species found there. For this 2007

expedition CI neither collected nor harmed any animals. However, the

Bogor museum scientist who traveled with us did collect and preserve

specimens of mammals that are new to science, in order to describe these

new species for the museum.

CI's policy regarding collecting specimens of species is to always be

respectful of the wishes of local communities when on expeditions, as

well as considering the health of the ecosystem. For example, in the

2004 marine survey of New Caledonia's coral reefs, no collections were

made, in keeping with local tribes' wishes.

If you would like more information about CI's policies or about any

particular expedition please feel free to reply to this message or write

to community@conservation.org. I'd be happy to send any specific

questions you have to the scientists who were in the field. Thank you

again for your interest is Conservation International and your concern

for the environment!

Cheers,

Lindsay Walter-Cox

Online Promotion Coordinator

Conservation International

A bit of rare honesty. I need to write them back and thank them. I'm glad they left it alone. I wish research groups would do that more often.

And still my house sits on the market. I think today will be another double post day. I have other thoughts tumbling through my head.

I'm Going to be a Doctor!

Finally, the wait is over. The dread is over. The exhaustion and worry and absolute nirvana is over. I'm in! I will be attending a great DO school somewhere in the south-ish. Yes, it's the one I liked. Phew - I don't have to find money to fly to California.

It hasn't quite settled on me yet. I'm in a state of shock and confusion. Is it real? Did someone finally notice me? Yes, they did. Instead of starting on my path to wellness, I ate fettuccine alfredo. Perhaps a good rock climbing date is in my future.

On an unrelated note - I wrote to Conservation International about the giant rat - that's who did the research. So far they have not returned my email. Being about conservation, I would hope they left the critter alone. They damn well better not have put it in any sort of cage or zoo or lab!

I started my new position at work. Oh it's so much better. I make buffers and solutions for cells and tissues in our pharmaceutical work. My husband is convinced that they will move me through every position so I can tweak it into submission. I am absolutely anti-bullshit. I do my work in the fastest and most accurate way possible with no frills. I don't wait for someone to tell me how it's going to be - I fix it and let them tell me it was a good idea. I'm not a jerk about it. I'm not pushy or rude, but when I'm absolutely certain that something can be done better, I do it and wait for management to decide that I had a good idea. So far my work has been great. They are happy and the results are good. No more endless stacks of paperwork! I have been handed some really good fortune lately. Now if someone would just buy my house. It's really nice, just come and take a look. . .

I need to figure out how to pay for medical school and the possibility of a family somewhere during my medical school years. I'm not getting younger or more fertile. Instead of fretting and losing sleep - I will just let the chips fall and pick up any that roll under the couch.

PS: I have never gambled on any day other than Purim.

I had my first interview one week ago. If life wasn't confusing enough - I loved it! I absolutely loved it. However, the town is tiny. I have no problem with that, in fact, I think I would really enjoy living there. Besides, there is a very nice coffee shop - I need nothing more.

So what's the problem? Absolutely no Jewish life. None. The nearest synagogue is one hour away, and it's one of those Reform, part Buddhist, part Unitarian, part "who needs rules?" kind of places. Not my thing. The next nearest synagogue is a mere three hours away. I have a meeting tomorrow with my Rabbi to discuss this.

I think I could survive two years there and then move to a more Jewish place for clerkships. I think the school would be great, minus some of the manipulative medicine stuff, which sounds like expensive chiropracy or massage. Perhaps I will change my mind.

Look at me! I should say, perhaps I will change my mind if I'm accepted. Still no word from a few Ohio schools, a few DO schools, and one school in New York. Maybe I will get a miracle.

I guess if I want this badly enough (and I do), and I care about Judaism enough (which I do) I'll find a way to make it work.

Oh, and I did wear my kerchief to interview. I hope that wasn't a bad idea. Personally, I thought I looked lovely and very professional.

The picture is of a giant Indonesian rat that was found in the jungle. It's the largest on record. Personally, I think it's beautiful. I hope they let it live. I'll look into that. . .

Two for the Price of One

I am notorious for writing blogs with loose ends and incongruent paragraphs. I decided that it would be best if I wrote two in one day to keep the randomnity at bay.

This past weekend I attended an Orthodox synagogue. The woman who sold me my "medical school interviews" suit recommended that I try the one in my town. I told her I was too much of a feminist for something like that. She pushed the issue - I caved - I went.

I was prepared to hate it. I thought the women, in their section, would be chatting about the latest episode of "Survivor" (especially since Orthodox Jews aren't supposed to own televisions) or something equally mindless, and that they would not be paying any attention, or be able to read Hebrew. I was so wrong - about everything. They were very intelligent. There was no idle chatter, except for the usual "Hello, how is your mother?" type of stuff. They followed the Hebrew very well, and some women, stood and recited Kaddish when it was time (strictly not okay). I hang my head in shame for my assumptions.

All right, but what about all of the negatives. Just delve into it a little bit, and it's quite clear what the very orthodox men think. Read the bible - it's in there. We are unclean, we are frivolous and foolish. We are very much expendable, with regard to our bodies, unless we're the sister or daughter of someone important. Men count towards a minyan, women do not. Something about not having to complete "time" commandments, because we are too busy having babies. However, for those who have stay-at-home husbands, and work to support their families - well, tradition holds - no tallit for you! Why?

However, I've seen egalitarian synagogues, and for the most part, I am not only unimpressed, but angry. It doesn't work. The families are weak, and the traditions even weaker. We tried to make improvements, and instead we cheapened the whole thing. It didn't have to be that way. It shouldn't be that way. Could I raise a daughter in the Orthodox tradition? I don't know - how would I answer her questions? Mommy likes that the people here are actually doing Judaism, so we come to this synagogue. Mommy likes that these women are strong and intelligent. Mommy doesn't like that the egalitarian women expend the majority of their brain power on shopping and magazines.

I have no idea what to make of this. Until then, I will sit on the right side and listen to the men.

Two Medical School Interviews and Medical Bloopers

Yeah! I now have two interviews. Both are DO schools, one of which I am interested in attending. The second interview is the lowest on my list, but it's better than nothing. I'm still waiting on my state to reply. Is it hopeless at this point? Why has Ohio been so silent. I applied to a few schools here, and nothing. I feel so stood-up.

I had a wonderful chat the other day with a medical student. I was at one of my specialists' offices, and had been waiting for over an hour. I was not happy, and they couldn't find my chart. Anyway, he had to deal with my wrath first. Of course, send in the new guy to deal with an unhappy Jew. He turned out to be really great. We ended up talking about medical school and being nontraditional applicants (of which he was one). He doesn't think it's hopeless, but maybe he was just being nice.

Of course when things get crazy, they get crazy in piles. So here I am going to my various doctors, and each one wants to do something extra. I have so many appointments right now, it's ridiculous. I certainly don't have any horrible medical conditions, just some rarities that I think doctors love. I imagine getting a different "case" is kind of exciting.

So what will these schools ask me? Will I need to know what's going on in Cambodia? Will they ask me who I voted for in the primary and why? Do I need a good plan for the future of medicine? Should I pretend that I don't wear a headscarf? At least I plan on wearing a nice brown suit, and not the traditional black. The neckline is still kosher.

Help!