Brain Matter

I had the most amazing experience of my life about a week ago. I finally found a pediatric neurosurgeon that would allow me to watch some surgeries. Not the friendliest guy, but who cares? I saw a brain tumor removal.

The tumor was located just behind and near the top of the brain stem, underneath the cerebellum. He went in above C-1, cut the membrane around the cerebellum, dissected the two hemispheres, had to change course, because the 12th cranial nerve was showing some problems, went a little higher, and finally he was in, and I could see it! It did look different! It looked almost like a sickly, sack-like, blood clot. It was the consistency of overcooked custard, with a tough membrane. Unfortunately it also had characteristics of glioma and astrocytoma - which doesn't bode well for this little one.

I have never loved something this much in my entire life. I didn't move for eight hours. My whole body ached when I left the OR that day. I always thought that I liked ortho or general, but nothing has piqued my interest like that. I also liked not dealing with tons of tendons and ligaments - which frankly, can be tedious.

I also noted the personality. There are certain types of people in surgery. There are certain types in specialities that are miserable - for example, the "save the world," cry at songs on the radio types, don't tend to do well in pediatric oncology. Or even worse - social work. I felt more like the neurosurgeon than any other specialists I've seen thus far.

So I wait - I guess now I know I have to do this. Somehow I'll figure out a way. My mother always said I was stubborn.

Sigh

So it's the middle and January and still no interviews. I'm getting depressed. I keep getting emails saying that I've made it into yet another smaller pool of applicants, however, the next email could be my rejection letter.

I'm on my last application, and it's taking me forever to finish it. I hate the questions - I just want to give up when I look at it. One question is about why the admission committee should accept me. What the hell am I supposed to say?! Because I rock? Should I write a philosophical treatise? What about a weepy triumph story? I can write a lofty piece of poo - I've got the background. However, if I write said lofty piece of poo - then I sound like a bragger. I hate this! I just know that the scatological little demon with the 34 MCAT is going to get in ahead of me. I know such demons - I certainly wouldn't want them for my doctor. One is a smoking, drinking, drug user. Agh. I wish they (those ethereal admissions ghosts) could figure out a better system of finding the right people.

I've got it! It's like music. There are those that are talented, never work, and eventually fail for one reason or another. Those that work hard and make it, though usually with reoccurring bouts of suicidal depression, and those that are super-talented and hard working. The later category is ideal but rare. So, if there aren't enough of these to fill the need where to turn? The hard workers. That's me. I'm pretty smart, but I certainly have had to study, and I'd like to think that I'm relatively well-adjusted.

Today I worked at the Red Cross serving lunch. I enjoyed the people. The lunchers were very gracious, and it was nice to give them the chance to be in control of something, even if it's just, "I want a lot of cream and sugar." I've known some of the attendees - I used to live in a rougher part of town. It was interesting to see the transformation. The druggies, beggars, drunks, etc. were pretty put-together. I saw in that moment that these people didn't choose their problems, but they can't seem to cut-and-run either. It's good that we could be there to at least give them a tasty and nutritious meal. I'll have to think about this some more.

On an unrelated topic - is it sick and wrong that I'd like to dissect a dog? The kind from a catalogue that come dead and preserved. I'm not that sick. I think it would be really fascinating. This coming from the animal loving woman who seeks out free-range, organic, kosher chicken. I don't understand me either.

Today's Hebrew lesson -
Mah schlomcha/schlomech? (m/f) How are you?
Schlomi tov meod. I am well. Todah. Thank you.

Today's Latin humor -
Coniecturalem artem esse medicinam - Medicine is the art of guessing.

Time to go read my new medical history book. I'm excited. On Tuesday I'm shadowing a pediatric neurosurgeon - that's even more exciting.

The photo is of psalm 106

Oy and phew.

I am so sick of me

An update for those brave and steadfast souls who have kept up with my blog.

I have made it through two rounds of cuts to all of the MD schools to which I have applied. This makes me happy. However, I have still not heard back for any interviews. I'm getting very nervous and anxious. I am now finishing up DO applications, and the tough part is still talking about myself with any enthusiasm and wit. I am so sick of writing essays about myself. In 21 schools I have only been able to use the same essay once, and some schools ask for multiple essays on various topics. What did they do - get together and make sure there were no duplicates to discourage applicants from applying to 99 schools? Unless one is the child of divorced and remarried surgeons (lots of child support) and has the CEO of Google for an uncle, no one could afford to do such a thing.

Let's talk about something that doesn't raise my blood-pressure. . .

Happy story - My rat had surgery this week for a tumor, and he is recovering very well. He is lively and ritten-like. The biopsy (yes, I really did pay for this) came back as a deep dermal fibroma. This is a glorified term for "collagen mess." If you are reading this with a raised eyebrow you don't understand the wonderfulness of rat ownership. He is absolutely precious.

Happy and expensive story - After bringing home my rat my cat gets deathly ill. The cat started vomiting violently with bouts of explosive diarrhea. The poor thing just laid in a ball and didn't move. This cat is not the lay-in-a-ball type; he is extremely active. When he started hiding in the closet I knew something was wrong. After blood-work, rehydration, anti-vomiting medication, and special food he is fine. The doctor thinks it was some sort of hepatitis, but I think it was more benign than that. I think the cat had a bout of the flu and just needed rehydration. I was a bit alarmed it the high (yes, for cats) levels of glucose in his blood after having not eaten for 24 hours. Hopefully this will not yield more serious problems.

Another happy (and disturbing) story - My brother and his wife are on their second set of twins in under two years. What are they thinking?

Specialty of the week - I want to be a pediatric neurosurgeon. That sounds amazing!

The photo is of my rat. His precious little self is Christopher.

PS If you are my uncle, and you are rich, please send checks to. . .

Oh No!

This is the best/worst thing that I've ever done! You see, I accidentally ended up with a CrackBerry. This could be very bad. I am an adict. Now all I need to do is get my medical dictionary hooked up to this thing. . .

Where have I been all of my life. . .

Okay, I had to hibernate while I got every application in the mail. Colleges are now starting to take a look at me, and for the first time I'm starting to get really nervous. I've had myself judged before. I am a musician - competition is a way of life. I thrived on competition when playing the cello was a great challenge and a lot of fun. Now I've found what I really have a passion for, and I'm concerned that the stars won't align in my favor. I'm getting unnecessarily negative here. . .

Our house has had a grand total of zero looks. It's a beautiful house, but the market here is awful. Hopefully things will pick up after the holidays. Speaking of which, it's going to be a crazy-fun Hanukkah. We are going to be doing all kinds of things, and I found my husband some great gifts. Now I need to think about the rest of my family. Oy. I know that Purim is supposed to be the season of giving, but it's hard not to get into the spirit living in America.

I went to a wonderful lecture by Deborah Lipstadt yesterday. She was talking about her trial against David Irving. I'm so impressed with her, because she's not out to prove that the Holocaust happened, she's out to prove that people like David Irving are liars and poor scholars. The amount of material she's accumulated on him and his supporters is mind-boggling. He came out looking absolutely ridiculous in the trial. That kind of knowledge, ability, and integrity really impresses me. She's am amazing person, and I encourage you to look up her work at Emory University - it's amazing.

Now, if you'll excuse me I need to go grocery shopping after I take a brief break to look at pictures of obscure breeds of mice. Rodents fascinate me.

Pumpkin Pie

Random musings -

Today I decided to be the learning tool for a resident. I was so brave, especially considering that I get awfully anxious at the gynecologist. I was trying to give my best tough-girl persona. We made small talk. All was well. Then came time to actually put my feet in said stirrups and get into position. My legs were shaking terribly! I was so embarrassed. Everything went fine, and I really was comfortable emotionally and physically, but apparently my nerves showed. Oh well - I hope he learned something, and I hope he didn't feel too bad about it either.

It was doubly beneficial for him, because I have some mystery health problems that I do need to address. I'll spare you the details. I do have a history of plenty of, um. . ., girl problems. That's a technical answer.

I also carved my pumpkin today (see above picture). It was a lot of fun. I drew on it with wipe-off marker first and then used carving tools and a scalpel. The mouth says, "welcome." It's not the clearest picture. My husband did the little pumpkin. Rather cute if I say so myself.

I accidentally ate a donut today. . .

Also, I have been booze free for fours days and counting. I will only have a beverage on Friday evenings. It's easier than I had feared. Now, if only I could commit to getting some sleep!

Who am I and why am I here?

Exam time. I had a biochemistry exam today. The class is interesting, but my professor is just awful. He dropped a lot of acid in the 70's (really, that's true) and he drinks too much. He can't hear well. He doesn't listen to questions before answering them. His test questions are vague, but he expects specific answers. I think I did all right, provided I was able to think like him. However, he had one question about the primary salt bridge in hemoglobin, and that was confusing, because there's a network of salt bridges and plenty of other forces contributing. . .who knows.

Tomorrow I'm carving my huge pumpkin. I'm going to carve, "welcome" into the mouth. I'm going to cut out the bottom, because I figure it's easier to get a candle in there without burning my hand off. I need to get some ideas for a good nose.

So I'm filling out tons of applications. I'm starting to get the impression that I am wholly average - that's kind of scary. What if I don't get in? I'm wicked creative (or so I'm told), but I don't know if that counts for much in medical school. Maybe somebody will see the whole me and decide that I'm in some way special and worthy. A lot of schools ask for a photo. Is it okay to submit my favorite picture of me playing my cello?

Tomorrow I have a pap smear. Yeah. I know you wanted that information. I'm going to a new doctor, and she sounds very good. Please be gentle.

Well, I'm going once again on a few hours of sleep. Though I seem to be able to keep going and going, I think it's time to get ready for bed.